Utilitarian Court of the Uber Trolley Problem

Actually written DECEMBER 23, 2025

This dialog vignette was meant to go into my book called Inequality Lamentism. But I withheld it because I could not come to a resolution. Anyway, here it is: 

The bailiff: “The Utilitarian Court of the Uber Trolley Problem is now in session, the honorable judge Mercy Retribution presiding.

“Judge Retribution will now hear the case of the Angel of Socialism versus the Demon of Accelerationism. Both have mutually accused one another of murder, as measured in caused deaths, and the deliberate aggravation of misery, as measured in caused Siuian dukkhas.”

[Dukkha as unit of measure for misery: https://robertdaoust.org/syst-study/panetics/amsiu.html] 

Judge Retribution: “Will the two defendants approach the bench.”

They do. 

Judge Retribution: “I have reviewed the dynamics of this case and have consented to a ruling by this court, as our mission is to try cases in which the matter is not one of guilt, but the degree of it. You both cause deaths and SiuDukkhas. We are here to determine which of you causes more, and how much more, than the other; and to render a punitive and preventative sentence congruent to that determination.

“I will now hear the testimony of the Angel of Socialism. Angel, you have the floor.” 

Angel of Socialism: “Thank you, your Honor.

“Your Honor, the Demon of Accelerationism murders and tortures billions of creatures both human and non-human alike, in the name of accelerated progress toward a mythical paradise of near universal abundance. For brevity, I will focus on his human victims. While sparing children or those who’ve already contributed to progress, his victims include anyone who hiders progress, anyone who cannot take care of themselves and who must live through support from others. He refers to such persons as ‘moochers’, ‘parasites’, ‘welfare queens/kings’, ‘vermin’, ‘inferiors’, ‘low life’, ‘scum’, ‘degenerate’, ‘dead weight’, ‘dead beats’, ‘bums’, ‘entitled snowflakes’, ‘D.E.I. hires’, ‘flunkies’, ‘cancer’, ‘looters’, ‘freeloaders’, ‘the deserving poor’, ‘Darwin’s rejects’, ‘riffraff’, ‘bottom dwellers’, ‘undesirables’, ‘second-handers’ …” 

Judge Retribution: “We get the idea, Socialism. Please move on.” 

Angel of Socialism: “Yes, your Honor.

“I would also note that the Demon’s victims include anyone who ‘enables’ the moochers at the expense of progress – anyone who chooses to ‘waste’ their talents on taking care of the moochers, wherein their talents could have instead been directed at ‘productive’ progress. These include those who prefer a paid career in care-giving for moochers, and those government bureaucrats who tax the productive to fund such paid care-giving.

“In short, the Demon throws anyone under the bus who hinders progress toward that mythical paradise of universal abundance, and to the degree of that hindrance.

“To the extent that the Demon pretends to minimize suffering, they argue that hindering progress creates and prolongs suffering, and crucially, that it creates and prolongs much more suffering than the suffering they create by throwing the moochers under the bus. They might argue that the difference is a factor of 2 or more. They might say that throwing the moochers under the bus creates 1000 trillion TeraSiuDukkhas, but that doing so helps us reach paradise 100 years sooner, and thus spares, say, 5000 trillion TeraSiuDukkhas of future prolonged suffering. We thus achieve a net reduction of 4000 trillion TeraSiuDukkhas.

“Your Honor, all of this rests on the premise that humanity can only achieve a paradise of universal abundance, free of all all significant suffering, through some grand project of prolonged hyper-productivity with generational advances in science and technology lasting perhaps several centuries.

“And, your Honor, this premise is absolutely false.

“Your Honor, I submit to you that wiping out the plague of suffering does not require such a grand program of technological advancements. No, your honor. We can wipe out that plague right now, today – through the equitable re-distribution of the earth’s already sufficient bounty. There already exists enough to go around, sufficient for everyone’s satisfaction, if only we distribute the earth’s bounty equitably.

“And because this is true, the Demon’s plan to throw all moochers under the bus to accelerate progress is totally unnecessary, and thus executing it constitutes murder and torture in the ultra-horrific extreme. There is no net reduction by 4000 trillion TeraSiuDukkhas. There is only the pointless addition of 1000 trillion TeraSiuDukkhas and associated deaths.” 

Judge Retribution: “Thank you, Socialism. That will be all for now. And now, Demon of Accelerationism, you have the floor.” 

Demon of Accelerationism: “Thank you, your honor.

“Your honor, I will begin by conceding a bit to my misguided accuser this one possibility: People may exist who can be satisfied with their equitable share of the earth’s current resources. Such people may even comprise as much as 60% of us, for all I know. But I would argue that most of the 60% served well under socialist redistribution at age 40 will become discontent with their equitable share of the earth’s resources at age 80, when their declining health constantly pains them and their mortality looms too eminently. To today’s 40-year-old contented socialist I say ‘just you wait’. In another 40 years, most of y’all will privately yearn for the comforts and life extension of technology-achieved world super-abundance – and, dare I say, especially erotic super-abundance.

“But, I believe I’m digressing from the core issue.

“Your honor, aside from my concerns over the ravages of old age, consider again the unfortunate 40% who, for whatever reason, cannot be contented with their equitable share of the earth’s current resources, and who actually suffer greatly under the socialist program of equitable distribution. Socialism seems ok with throwing them under the bus, subjecting them to SiuDukkhas and associated deaths. At best, Socialism regards these unsatisfyables as tragically brainwashed souls inflicted by unauthentic greed, in need of egalitarianizing ‘therapy’. Frankly, I’m dismayed by Socialism’s presumptuousness and callousness in this matter. They seem conveniently lacking in the ability to imagine how anyone could want more than their equitable share of the earth’s current resources, let alone actually be traumatized by that constraint. This convenience arouses suspicions of hypocrisy, your honor, especially when we easily observe the administrators of Socialism’s re-distribution agenda grifting more than their state-determined equitable share, gratifying their own apparent greed.

...

 

But if we cater to the demands of socialism on behalf of that 60%, we throw the remaining 40% of us under the bus, subjecting them to SiuDukkhas and associated deaths.