I've Discovered that I'm Insane, Version 1
Actually written JANUARY 23, 2010
My name is Luke, and after several decades of being in denial, I have come to accept the fact that I am insane. I’m insane because I believe things that just can’t be true. I know they can’t be true, but I believe these things anyway. Yes, I know that sounds self-contradictory and therefore impossible.
No, wait, that’s my insanity talking again. You see, one of my insane beliefs is that contradictions are impossible. But now I know better. I now realize, finally, that contradictions are quite possible. They must be. They must be possible, even if they are also impossible. I am insane. But I am also sane. And the more I realize that I am both, the more I cure myself of insanity and become sane – but also not. It’s another contradiction, which is possible and impossible at the same time. And the more of these mental acrobatics I do, the saner I become. I am curing my own insanity with these acrobatics.
I am serious about all this, but I’m trying not to be. I must not take myself so seriously. The whole self-contradiction thing is all designed to get me to stop taking myself so seriously. Contradictions are both impossible and possible, at the same time and in exactly the same way. And the only way I can process such statements is by not taking them seriously, by not taking life seriously, by not being serious.
Now I am playful. See? And I pray also that it makes me more attractive as a friend. That’s important to me, because I am also very lonely. I’ve been crying a lot lately because of how lonely I am. But now I am destroying my serious mind so I can make friends. Look at me, the new me. I hope to be playful and fun to be with.
But that would be sane. I’m actually still insane and serious and lonely. I always will be. I have resigned myself to being insane. At least I know I’m insane. At least I know what I’d have to do to achieve sanity.
I will always believe that self-contradictions are impossible. And this will keep me being serious. And this will keep me insane and lonely and sad.
I am insane. I’m learning to accept my insanity. I hope maybe my insanity will entertain you.
You will laugh at me because I’m so serious – so serious about the wrong things, believing in the wrong things.
So here I am, one big joke for you. Laugh at me. The least I can do is be entertaining in some way, even if you think less of me for being the joke that I am for you.
I am a joke, but also not. That’s a contradiction, but also not. See how silly I am? But I’m also serious. See how silly my seriousness is?
You are sick of this joke by now. Let’s move on.
I believe things that cannot be true. Remember that? I believe things that can’t be true. They can’t be true because nobody else believes them. For something to be true, many people must believe it. The popularity of a belief is the criteria for its truth. Everyone knows this except me. I believe truth is correspondence to reality. But that’s what makes me insane. I believe the wrong things about truth criteria, and I believe these wrong things with great seriousness. But now I’m trying to embrace the truth about truth criteria. I’m trying my hardest to believe that popularity makes a belief true.
Likewise, I'm trying to abandon my wrong beliefs and start believing what everyone else believes. I want to be like other people. I want to be liked. I want to be loved, in fact. And I hope to attain love by adopting popular beliefs.
But that’s just fantastic hope talking. I am insane and alone. I probably always will be.
What are some of my insane beliefs?
Well, one of them I already told you: that contradictions are impossible.
But here’s another: Morality may be a delusion.
Notice I didn’t say that morality was just straight up a delusion. I said it may be a delusion. But still, even just toying with the idea as I do is insane and wrong. Everyone knows there’s such a thing as morality, as good and evil. Everyone knows this but me.
Ya. Ok. So there’s a tiny minority of folk out there who straight up think morality is a delusion: Nietzsche, Max Stirner, Mackie, Mandeville, L. A. Rollins and some other scattered anarchists like Jason McQuinn. So there’s at least some sanity in it. But my position is more precisely that morality may be a delusion. I’m not certain one way or the other. And it’s this lack of certainty that is wrong and insane because nobody else takes this position.
Ok. Here's another of my insane beliefs: I believe the fundamental cause of suffering is material, not social or spiritual; and that likewise, the fundamental cure for suffering is material, not social or spiritual.
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